There might be some countertransference happening here, so stick with me. Caution Freudian slips ahead! Welcome to my first blog and first public writing since LiveJournal, if you get that reference, then you understand the depths of myspace technology I am trying to learn from. Here we go!

I started in the industry right out of graduate school feeling inspired and wholeheartedly believing I could make an impact. Probably not change the world, but at least impact some people. That felt reasonable and I was up for the task. My program was heavily social justice based, so I drank the Kool-Aid and it was delicious for my care-taking heart.

I have been an employee in some capacity since I was 14. So, when I was job hunting, working for someone else made the most sense and felt the most comfortable. I had job offers with a wide range of pay options and chose familiarity over attractive pay scales. Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this with buyer remorse. I have the utmost gratitude for my experience. Simply reflecting back and seeing my motivations behind those decisions, it’s funny how we all make so much sense when we give ourselves permission to. I then continued to work for this agency; a department or body providing a specific service for a government or similar organization, for 8 years.

What a wonderful experience. I learned how to challenge my imposter syndrome, learn strong boundaries, struggle with those boundaries I thought I mastered and rebuilt them again. I became the Clinical Supervisor, what a time. I learned how great I was at building teams. Wow were we rocking and rolling. I truly felt that I was impacting lives in a meaningful way, influencing other professionals and those seeking services. Watching so many different people’s paths to wellness and growth was amazing. Looking back, I note that I am romanticizing it a bit.

               We also had to deal with the horrors of treatment during a global pandemic, budget restrictions and staffing nightmares. But as anyone that works for an agency, can relate, you know and understand those are common stops on this Merry-go-round (hopefully the global pandemic isn’t revisited). But with a birds eye view, it is almost magical to look back and see that your goal of influencing others might have actually happened. Who knew fulfillment wasn’t just for Disney Pixar endings.

               Here we are, on top of the world with a bundle of 10,000 balloons, right? Wait, NOT a Disney Pixar movie. Nevertheless, professionally I was feeling good. I continued to move up in this agency, wishing I understood how much the proximity to clinical work was going to impact me. Ultimately telling myself that I can make bigger impacts the further “up” I go. Sounds about right? I went from impacting a group of 12-18 clients to impacting a program of 90, with staff, so history would sayI was right. Mistakes are what life is made for. I say this to emphasize that none of this is to bash my past self, or the agency in which I was offered all of these lessons. I truly saw myself increasing my reach and being able to watch more and more people develop into strong addiction professionals, clients establishing recovery and some even becoming addiction professionals I respect so much! What a view! Not that there were not moments of this, there were. But business is business, and your focus needs to be in maintaining people’s livelihood, access to services and all these very important essentials. The impact is there, people running agencies care, they care big! They give more than most are willing to make sure their teams keep getting paid, to make sure lifesaving services continue. This experience was where I learned probably the most about myself and what I am made of as a professional, as a leader, as a wife, and a mother. Who am I to me?

               I have potential, capacity and tenacity. I don’t say that pompously, we all have this. We all have uncontrollable capacity when we allow ourselves the space to embrace who we are. I made the decision that capacity within an agency’s success wasn’t what filled my soul. When I felt the magic was not through the lens of agency success, it was being able to sit with people and watch them transform. My heart ached for this again. So, against all historical patterns I’d established for myself. I left my job with nothing but ideas and a very supportive spouse. Not a long list, but it feels huge!

               I no longer work for an agency, I am my agency; a thing or person that acts to produce a particular result. Coming to a place that I have embraced that my success is defined within me, not business analytics, not in growth percentages or retention rates. I am my own agency, I act and results are produced.

The capacity within ourselves is enormous. This agency comes with us wherever we are. When I began to work with new counselors, I would discuss with them the importance of seeking every training, every morsel of knowledge, and all the resources. Not for the movement of the company, but for their own practice. We are our practice. We are a walking agency, practice, facility. Where we work is where we are offering our gifts, but we are always building for our own reputation and skill set. We are agents of change. We change ourselves, in that we offer change to others. The world has changed with us in it, that is not a choice. When we take the reins of that agency, we now get to choose our influence. What a dream.

               I acknowledge, I am standing on the edge of this huge change, possibly with rose colored glasses. Things will change, they have a tendency to keep doing that, no matter what we have to say about it. Today, I am taking a big deep breath of gratitude for where I was and where I am headed. Do not work for your agency; a department or body providing a specific service for a government or similar organization, make sure you are always working for your agency; a thing or person that acts to produce a particular result. Because, if you do, your agency will be unstoppable.